"Page of Jokes"

 

A mother is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. " mommy:, the little girl asks. "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age." the mother warns. "It is not polite."

OK, the little girl says, "how much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My mother would not tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, " i know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks," how did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shock now. "How in God's name do you know that." "And", the little girl says triumphantly. "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why". "Because you got an F in sex".

 

"Life through the eyes of children"

NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As i was reeling from the shock, i heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady is not wearing a seat belt."

KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her stuggle the phone rang so she asked her 4 year old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can not come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women locker room. When he was spotted the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, have not you ever seen a little boy before?"

 

Little tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced younger was up to, he politely asked, Whatcha doing, tim ?

My goldfish died, replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. And i just buried him. The neighbor was concerned. That an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn"t it ? Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That because he inside your cat".

 

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconveniened when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine...except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour!

 

The husband says to his wife,"You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?" She says,"When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, i look at your picture and the problem disappears."

He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful i am for you?" She calmly replies, "Yes, i see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

 

"MALE OR FEMALE"

Web Pages:- Female, because they are constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

Trains:- Definitely male,because they always use the same old lines for picking up peoples.

Egg Timers:- Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

Tires:- Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

Sponges:- These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

Hot Air Balloons:- Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

Photocopiers:- These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.

Freezer Bags:- They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

 

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the paster of the local Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.

The following sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks untill the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. Ma"am, i could not help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated. "Why yes," she replied, " every week my son sends me money, and i give some of it to the church".

The pastor replied, "That, wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week". The pastor was amazed, "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honourable profession," the pastor said. " Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno".

 

"THOUGHTS"

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

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What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

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Why do not sheep shrink when it rain?

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If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

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When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If the professor on gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can not he fix the hole in a boat?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why is it that peoples say they "slept like a baby", when babies wake up like every two hours?

 

 

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room, engrossed in the evening news when i brought daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was just the cutest thing!

My mom waited, and sure enought, here i come down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, "did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet"?

This was in a little joke paper, that we get when we go to town here and i just had to put it on here.

 

"WHAT DEAR ABBY COULD NOT ANSWER"

Dear Abby. You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do i do?

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Dear Abby. My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a halp years. He must be crazy.

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Dear Abby. I have a man i can not trust. He cheats so much, i am not even sure the baby i am carrying is his.

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Dear Abby. I joined the navy to see the world. I have seen it, now how do i get out.